mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
