i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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