Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
