my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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