Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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