Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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