remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
