forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
