I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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