Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
