How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
