I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
