Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
