I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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