I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
