Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Bring me that man meat
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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