never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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