My hand turned me down
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
