I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
