Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
