Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
