Betty ford says i'm here all night
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
