Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
