I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
