My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
