I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
