hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize