I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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