He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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