suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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