dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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