I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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