This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
