No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
