did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
