The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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