I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
