i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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