I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
