My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
