last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We need to get me chipped asap
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
