I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I look better un-naked...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
