i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
