Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
