Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
