At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
