I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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