i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
