Yo dont text me then not text me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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