Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
