Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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