We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
