My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
