Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
