She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
