she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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