I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
